Top 10 Things That Will Happen

Well you’re all settled into this semester by now and you may be wondering what the future holds for you at uOttawa this year. Do you look in excitement or fear of what’s to come? Well I’m going to get rid of the uncertainty in your destiny and tell you what’s going to happen. I have done great amounts of research of the previous years to predict what will happen. I’m like those scientists that talk about Global Warming.

So here it is:

Top 10 Things That Will Happen This Year at uOttawa.

 

10. The ice cap machine will break in the Tim’s at SITE

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All I want is a nice ice cap when I’m in SITE. So I wait 20 minutes in the lineup for Tim Hortons and what happens? The ice cap machine is broken. This happens every year, so you better get your ice cap now before it inevitable breaks down.

Edit: I got news that the machine is already broken.

Edit 2: Turns out it didn’t break this year… they just hadn’t fixed it from last year.

 

9. Half of the outdoor stairways will be closed when winter starts

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University of Ottawa is known for its excessive amount of stairs both indoors and outdoors. So when winter comes and ice starts to form, the stairs can become quite lethal. This was a big problem in the world until someone discovered that salt will keep the ground from being an ice rink.

However uOttawa is even smarter. To save money they chain up half the stairways so they only have to salt the other half. So we built twice the amount of stairs to only be used half the year. SMART

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8. Reading week will feel too short

I’m going to get so much stuff done during reading week. I’ll finish the big report early, catch up on course material, and hang out with my friends that I haven’t seen in a while. It’s going to be so productive.

Actuality: sleep through the whole week.

You will be late for a class because you were stuck in traffic on the first day it snows

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You’ll probably have a midterm or something and get in your car or hop onto the bus. However it’ll be the first day of snow. Not a significant amount of snow, just enough to whiten the ground. And this little amount will have grave effects. Every driver on the road will suddenly forget how to drive because SNOW!!! The end result is being at least half an hour late for your midterm.

6. OLRT will be finished

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 “On track 2018”

Well the recent news says sometime in 2019, so whelp. Maybe one day it’ll actually be finished. Hopefully before we graduate.

Fact of the day: the OLRT station underneath Rideau mall will have the longest escalator in all of Canada.  

5. SFUO allegations will die out and things will go back to the usual corrupt ways

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I don’t know how much you keep up with the real news at uOttawa but SFUO is objectively corrupt and currently the fuzz are hot on SFUO’s tail and looking through the books. But even if the allegations of SFUO stealing $20,000 is true or not eventually we’ll forget about it only to ultimately repeat again. I mean it’s not really anything new. The president of SFUO in 2008 was also arrested.  Look it up.

4. Weed will be legalized

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On October 17th weed will be legalized in Canada. So expect Halloween to be extra chill this year and also expect the hallway to your dorm or apt or whatever to stink. If you’re a hater then maybe you ought to chill out with a joint.

3. There will be sports stuff

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Uhhh sports stuff will happen I think. I don’t know. I’m not a sports person. But I guarantee there will be sport things that happen. I remember one night where I was bussing home and like 82 uOttawa and Carleton kids got on for the big basketball game. It was a party on that bus. So yes, sports stuff will happen.

2. uOttawa super-secret GeeGee mech will be unveiled

Now this one is pretty hush hush. The engineering clubs have stepped up from their concrete car or boat or whatever they usually make. This year they’re designing a three story tall GeeGee mechanized robot. It’ll have a cockpit where it will be piloted by a single person inside. Rumor has it that it will include a jet pack. So be on the lookout for a giant GeeGee in the coming months.

1. There will be more articles

This is the only real thing in this whole entire written piece of bullshit. There will be more articles, and they will be just as dumb. So expect more every week. Well hopefully every week.

To be continued.